kleinecatze

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 14:31:32 GMT

finally 11 days with no schol im excited. im going to sleep all day and lay around and read and eat. the weather has been nicer too and that makes me happy. it seems like everythign is worse than it really is when the weather is bad.
im going to cook so much this week. vegan risotto, black bean tostatta, truffles, bread with a red wine vinegrette basil mix.. its going to be so good!
and my house garden didnt die! everything started growing last week! so thats good.

hallo meine liebchens
alles hier sit stimmlich gut. das wether ist jezt besser und das macht mich froh. ich frohe mich sehr auf diesen sommer.ich hab heimwe...
ach ja so es is. ich fulle mich ein bissen allein, ich scloss gemacgt mit mein freund und das ist mmer schwer auch jetz will er gannichs mit mir zum tun. also es wird alles wirder richtig.
deine alina

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 02:52:41 GMT

heute haben wir ein film mit johnny depp gesehen. es war zimmlich lustig
ich freue mich so so fiel auf diesen sommer. ich kan kaum watten. ich habe heimwe.
bis dan
deine alinchen

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 03:13:19 GMT

the last few days have been super hectic. theres so much that needs to be done!
that and ive been so homesick. my aunt is really sick and in and out of the hospital all the time, i feel really bad about it. i shoudl be there helping her take care of her kids and stuff...
oh well i guess theres nothing i can do. plus i would miss all of you!
i brought lori some soup yesterday and that was nice. i hope she feels better soon. watched dorsette play ddr
it was hilarious

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 03:28:21 GMT

things with me are good besides school. it sucks but oh well
the show last night was good times and the tingler was hilarious!
my garden has sorta died. it got moldy...
oh well
i visited my oma today and that was nice.
this week will suck i have 2 hospital visits!
at least i get to miss school.

today was a really good day, the weather made me happy

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 14:48:51 GMT

its been a good weekend mostly.ive gotten lots of sleep and thats awesome
ive started a winter garden and its so cool! ive been planting flowers in empty 2 liter bottles so its like a mini green house. so save me your empty 2 liter bottles.
nothing exciting has been happening. i listened to hatebreed and there were a couple songs i really liked. tommorow im going to see ani! its going to be so amazing.
im looking forward to the march 5th show.
been thinking about a lot of stuff lately.

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 20:48:51 GMT

yesterday i went to lyrch's b day party it was mostly good times ...
i didnt go to sleep until 7 in the morning and then i slept until 10. i went for a long walk in the woods with my dog and visited my oma. i was going to go to a party tonight but now i dont feel like being around people. so i think im just going to eat chinese and sew scritney's hoody that ripped. oh and bake bread and take a nap.

... alle anderen....
so alles heir ist zimmlich kumisch. es gets mir zimmlich gut .. ein par probleme mit freunde und naturlich mein vater abbe sonst ist alles gut. heir in amerika es ist etzehnt.. es regnet und ist scheis kald. ich bin total kaput and mude. ich hape gestern abent nicht ims bet gagangen weihl ich war bei eine parte.
hoffentlich gehts dir auch alle sehr gut. ich freue mich auf diesen sommer.
deine alinchen

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 01:00:12 GMT

today was amazing! it was such a good day. the weather was so happy, hadley and i went for a drive and i stuck my feet out the window and i didnt have to wear a sweater! it was awesome

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 03:18:55 GMT

nothing much has been going on. my friend julie died last thursday so i went to the showing sunday. it was horrible. enough said.
i went to a show sat. and im think it pretty much sucked but i slept through half of it so im not quite sure. ive deicided to choreograph a dance to ray charles cause hes simply amazing. i had a good day today. i was in a good mood all day long.
sean you need to let be borrow evasion because im not patient enough to wait until it comes in the mail!
i'm mad that i havent baked anything in 2 weeks. this weekend i am most definatly baking so if you want a vegan french loaf or a cake let me know!
-alina

for the people that can read this(fur die loite das dieses ding lesen kann)
ich wolte nuer hallo zu meine liebe kusengs sagen und das ich freue mich auf diesen sommer wenn ich komme. ich famisse dich alle und naturlich das guten essen das es gibt. hoffentlich gibts auch fiel bier!
gruss alle und nich fargessen herzlichengluckwunch zum oma irmi sagen. danke und bist spater
diene liebste alinchen

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 00:45:03 GMT

nothing much has been going on lately. im not sick anymore so thats cool. ive been a better mood lately and doing a lot of thinking. i think to get my mind off things im going to spend more time on projects and art stuff. today i went for a walk in the woods with my dog and it was awesome. i saw an owl and it flew really close to me. even though it was freezing i put my feet in the creek. it felt good.
i cant wait till this summer!
i really want to go to bloomington on sun so if anyone wants to go let me know.
im baking bread on sat too so if you want one let me know and ill make sure to bake one for anyone who wants one.

hm

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:15:23 GMT

a cold and porcelain lonely
in an old new york hotel
a stranger to a city
that she used to know so well
bathing in a bathroom
that is bathed in the first blue light
of the beginning of a century
at the end of an endless night

then she is wet behind the ears and wafting down the avenue
pre-rush hour
post-rain shower
stillness seeping upwards like steam
from another molten sewer
summer in new york

they've been spraying us with chemicals in our sleep
us
they
something about the mosquitoes having some kind of disease
them
me
CIA foul play
if you ask the guy selling hair dryers out of a gym bag
chemical warfare
"i'm telling you, lab rat to lab rat," he says, "that's where the truth
is at"
that's where the truth is at
that's where the truth is at

and everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can
but one breath at a time is an acceptable plan
she tells herself
and the air is still there
and this morning it's even breathable
and for a second the relief is unbelievable
and she's a heavy sack of flour sifted
her burden lifted
she's full of clean wind for one lean moment
and then she's trapped again
reverted
caged and contorted
with no way to get free
and she's getting plenty of little kisses
but nobody's slippin' her the key

her whole life is a long list of what ifs
and she doesn't even know where to begin
and the pageantry of suffering therein
rivals television
tv is, after all, the modern day roman coliseum
human devastation as mass entertainment
and now millions sit jeering
collectively cheering
the bloodthirsty hierarchy of the patriarchal arrangement

she is hailing a cab
she is sailing down the avenue
she's 19 going on 30
or maybe she's really 30 now ...
it's hard to say
it's hard to keep up with time once it's on its way

and, you know, she never had much of a chance
born into a family built like an avalanche
and somewhere in the 80s between the oat bran and the ozone
she started to figure out things like why
one eye pointed upwards looking for the holes in the sky
one eye on the little flashing red light
a picasso face twisted and listing down the canvas
of the end of an endless night

10 9 8 seven six 5 4 three 2 one
and kerplooey
you're done.
you're done for.
you're done for good.
so tell me
did you?
did you do?
did you do all you could?

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 17:43:11 GMT

Lets show those bastards we're ready to go down dancing.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 02:17:01 GMT

im sick. it sucks. my dads having surgery tommorow so that sucks. nothing much has been happening with me.
hope everyone is doing good

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 01:35:52 GMT

today was not such a good day. i didnt go to bed last night to i was tired all day long and dance sucked. ive never felt fatter. oh well. i feel gross. i cant wait to just leave this summer, im pissed off about everything so it will be good to just leave this mess for a while. but i wont be able to have a garden...
suck
im going to eat chocolate in the bathtub now

---

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 01:51:14 GMT

today was a pretty good day until i came home. my dad is dumb. im not that bad of a person.
anyways
today was good damn it. i met some new people and thats always good. i was cheerful all day long and cooked a good dinner. im really excited about cooking this weekend. and my dad wont be home all day saturday!! yay.
i dont really have anything to say thats worth saying.

swooping bats

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 17:52:18 GMT

if i could be anything in this world that flew
i would be a bat and come swooping after you.

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 02:20:58 GMT

today was not a good day. so many bad things going on and im so out of it..
ugh
something good did happen today though. a while ago i wrote a story for my beginning journalism class. stories you write in that class never get published since your not on a staff but they liked mine and its going to be published!!
anyways
so many things are going on its so confusing.
i still feel hollow and dried out. at school i feel like im in a bubble. i've never cried at school but today i was sure i would. its so odd.

---

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 22:32:28 GMT

i have already broken my resolution. today i came home and had 2 pieces of cake and am not going to dance.
i just came home from appying at dairy queen. im not excited about working but i really need the money. i hate money, i hate that i need it.
i feel like im in a bubble.
im excited that my friends have birthdays coming up. i love baking cakes and lately havent had an excuse to bake a few.
i dont have anything to do tonight and my mom and sis wont be home until 9. i hate being stuck at home alone. its so rainy and gray. i want to go to bed and sleep for 3 months.
if anyone reads this and has nothing to do come over and i'll cook dinner.

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 01:03:20 GMT

today was ok. i'm really tired from not sleeping last night. school has been really tedious lately and i've gotten really bad about just not doing things i dont feel like doing. i hate winter and cold weather it makes everything twice as hard. this summer is going to be awesome. 2 months in germany! it will be good to get away. i need a break from this country...
but i will miss all of my friends so make sure i have your address and i'll send you cool stuff. and calling from germany is super cheap!
im thinking about getting a job but that means i will have to dance less... so im not sure what im going to do. i really need to start saving money though.
ugh it sucks
hey if anyone wants to protest bush and whats hes doing on thursday wear black and dont buy anything.

determined

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 21:42:58 GMT

so far today has been boring. ive moped around and cleaned. the past few weeks i've skipped a lot of dance classes so i've decided to go today.
something odd happened today but im not sure exactly what it was. i've decided to be more optomistic and am determined in the next 6 months to never skip dance and stop eating gross stuff.
im going to be happy and content.
and im going to speak a lot more german and get in touch with relatives i never talk to.

...

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 02:21:12 GMT

today was just another day nothing very good or exciting happened.
i can't get this feeling of being alone to go away. i feel really drained and empty. iv'e been feeling that way more often now and part of me is glad because i'm really good at hiding it and i dont worry anyone. i dont want to make anyone worry or anything like that because i feel stupid feeling like this. i dont really have a right to. im not alone and there isnt anything really really wrong. i think if i should start concentrating more on helping all of my friends and then i'll forget about my own stuff or at least not have time to deal with it. if i keep my mind off certain things they usually go away.
right now i'm concentrating all my energy on getting totally through things and helping all of my friends.
the only way to be done with things most of the time is to talk about it and then you'll have gotten everything out.
i've never told people about certain things, maybe thats why they have been creeping back up lately.
its been almost 2 months exactly since i stopped writng my journal of what i eat everyday and stopped weighing myself twice a day. this fall/winter i went from 94 pounds to 86 and have gained back most of it. and i only feel guilty once in a while.
my cutting sprees have basically stopped i did slip up i think last week or the week before that i cant really remember and i think once around christmas. its mostly when i miss people in germany and feel lonely and disgusting. which has been the case of late.
also i've been having dreams that i havent had in awhile. ..
a while ago i was molested by a friend of mines brother and 2 of his friends. it was an isolated inccedent but really scary and for a while after i had nightmares. but i think everythign as far as that goes will turn out ok, but i didnt tell anyone.
thats basically all thats going on right now besides things with friends and some dance stuff that i wont bother to explain.
hopefully this weekend will be good. no school monday!
so maybe ill be able to sleep more and stuff.
i feel guilty for feeling bad so im sorry for the people that read this i know i shouldnt be complaining.
tonight i cooked pasta and tofu chicken with salad.
it was really good. everyone has already gone to bed here so its really dark and quiet. i dont think ill sleep much tonight but tommorow is friday so oh well.
god fuck this!
i cant stop i though i was ok but i guess im not im trying to be happy and i hate feeling bad about stuff when so many people have it worse but i cant even fucking eat without feeling disgusted with myself. its horrible that the last time i felt pretty was when i was carving knife desighns into my thigh.
i want to talk to someone tonight so hopefully theyll be someone sober. i know most people wont be since their partying with whitney. oh well.
ok im done complaining now and ive decided that my new year resolution is to think less about myself and more about helping friends.
and to type better.

Regrets

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 03:18:12 GMT

MOST OF US WILL REGRET THE THINGS WE DIDN'T DO
NOT THE THINGS WE DID DO

long day

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 01:37:42 GMT

today wasn't very good. i was tired all day long and i thought kept trying to think of things to make me happy but nothing really worked. i feel like i might slip up sometime soon and i dont want to but i dont know if i'll be able to help it.
i hate days were no matter what happens you feel alone.
i thought i'd be able to feel better at dance but it only made things worse. every time i tried to concentrate i glanced at myslef in the mirrow and was disgusted. i think i need to loose 10 pounds.
lately i've been feeling really hollow and whispy. i think its because i dont sleep enough.
plus i worry about everything.
people have been telling me that i need to have more self confidence and i have decided to work on it, but its weird because most of the time im fairly happy with myself until im around other people. then i always start to feel bad.

i hate it when people do things for the wrong reason and don't think things through.

first day!

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 04:24:28 GMT

today was the best day ive had in a long time!!!! i was having a really good morning adn everythign was going well and then school let out early and no school tommorow!
its amazing. i think it was a sighn.
now im really tired but too happy to go to sleep. i wish i was somewhere cool.
its been a very la vie un rose day.
i feel liek something good is going to happen soon.